From Trauma to Dance: Unveiling the Weight Within
“People are trapped in history, and history is trapped in them.” James Baldwin
Participating in Diavolo Dance Company’s Veteran Project was a transformative journey. While I anticipated the presence of trauma, I was not surprised by the profound depth and intensity of the experiences shared. What caught me off guard was the powerful somatic experience I went through during the weekend workshop. It was a profound exploration that surpassed my expectations.
I was uncertain whether my application would find acceptance. While I am a veteran, my service belonged to the Israeli Defense Force as a paratrooper from 1978 to 1981, not the US military. What I did know was that my battle with PTSD began long before my military tenure, perhaps from the very day I entered this world.
My parents, survivors of the Holocaust, had narrowly escaped the clutches of death, only to mourn the loss of their firstborn son to illness mere months before my arrival. The torment of agony, grief, loss, anger, and fear enveloped me from the outset. When I dance, it is not I who seize control, but rather the demons within who command my every movement. They grip me tightly, their influence reaching far beyond my conscious will. They entangle themselves in the very essence of my being, dictating the steps, the rhythm, and the intensity.
At that moment, I am but a vessel, surrendered to their dark dance. They trace their origins far beyond my time in the military, which has only compounded them a bit more. They have never departed. They linger, a constant presence in my life. But it is I who has undergone a transformation. I have become aware, embracing their existence and accepting the weight they bear. And in this newfound understanding, I have discovered a remarkable truth: something greater exists, a force that can sustain me amidst it all. I name it Love.
Saturday morning, the day began with a circle formation and a microphone in hand. The group consisted of four veterans and six professional dancers, The Civilians. Leading the session was Jacques Heim, Diavolo’s Founder and Creative Director. Also present were France, Jacques’ assistant, and Moses, who skillfully controlled the editing keyboard. We were asked to introduce ourselves by name, military branch and share a personal story.
At that moment, uncertainty flooded my mind, unsure which story to share and how exposed to be. The all-too-familiar grip of anxiety tightened its hold, as it often does in public speaking situations. Nevertheless, I reminded myself of the numerous occasions in the past few decades when I engaged in talking to trusted strangers, baring my most vulnerable self. With this in mind, I resolved to maintain a steady voice and take the plunge.
I decided to narrate the trajectory of my relationship with dance, intertwining it with significant milestones from my life. Ultimately, I aimed to convey where I stand today in relation to dance.
Then, the physical aspect commenced and continued unabated until late Sunday evening. Diavolo Dance Company defies the conventions of a typical dance company, as their repertoire combines dance, gymnastics, and acrobatics, always performed atop or within large-scale apparatus such as towering slides, spinning wheels, or enclosing cages. It’s no wonder Jacques, having directed one of Cirque du Soleil’s shows in Las Vegas, brings his expertise to this dynamic ensemble.